A Tidbit or Two

Here is what has been going on with the Collins clan... 1) Baby number TWO is right on schedule and has a wonderfully strong little heartbeat. Blessed :) 2) School has started back and I have taken on two new schools this year. I will now be teaching 4 days a week at Arbor Creek Middle School (Lewisville ISD), McMillen High School (Plano ISD), Schrade Middle School (Garland ISD), and Rowlett High School (Garland ISD). I am really excited to continue working with some sweet friends as colleagues and begin new working relationships as well. I am also looking forward to what God will use me for (and teach me) with my kiddos this year both musically and spiritually. 3) Phil, Lilah, and I all had to get tested for TB (tuberculosis) as part of our preparation to be a foster family and the results were just as we expected with Phil and Lilah, no TB. I was not so lucky and had a positive skin test. The next step is typically a chest xray but since I am pregnant that was not an option. I had blood work done instead and the good news is that it is not at a contagious stage. There is a chance that I have "latent tuberculosis" which has no symptoms but still needs to be treated with 9 months of medication. ***SO I want to make it clear that I am not contagious, there is no reason to be weary of being around me or my family and I am not suffering from any symptoms ;)*** 4) We have completed our home study and all but one of our inspections which means, as long as nothing crazy happens, we should be certified foster parents VERY soon! I have been thinking that I really need to get connected with a group of moms that are going through the same stage of life as me (toddler, pregnant, working, fostering...) because it is very difficult to connect with friends who can't share in the emotions, both good and bad. 5) My angel girl starts Parents Day Out (which I will forever call Mothers Day Out because I don't mind being politically incorrect) next week and we have meet the teacher tomorrow night! What in the world... how is my teeny 5lb 12oz baby girl starting "school"?! It is utterly impossible to explain how I feel but in a nutshell it would be terrified, thrilled, sad, joyful, & bittersweet :) I pretty much think that she is the smartest, most beautiful child that there ever was! Which brings me to my final topic... 6) I know I will understand when this new baby 'Dot' is born but how can I possibly have any more room in my heart to love another child??? I look forward to looking back at this post with a smile and writing one up about how amazing it is that my heart can be so full of love for both of our children. Love to you all, thanks for reading!!

Potty Training

Well, we tried for the first time today. Lilah has been introduced to the 'big girl potty' for a while now. She accompanies me to the bathroom every time I go. I thought "Well, she is 19 months old now, she is probably ready!" Nope. Here's the thing... and this is likely going to make me sound like the worst mom on the planet BUT I blog to be vulnerable... my daughter has been ahead of the curve on just about everything. She was born premature, she never went to the NICU, her pediatrician assures me each visit that she is well beyond her age as far as height, activity, and speech go so I assumed that she was ready for the big time at almost exactly 19 months old... no more diapers. I have read (yes, I realize that each child is different and no one child will potty train the same way or at the same age) so many articles about how "I potty trained my 18 month old in 3 days!" articles that I was certain that my girl would take to it like a champ. I cry as I write this because I never want to be the mother that forces her children to do things that they aren't ready for or that they don't want to do. I want to support and love my children as individuals, let them be who they are. I think the trap that I have fallen into is that 'when it's right for me, it's right for them', well it's not. A lot of people like to tell you what you should be doing or they like to tell you when it's right, whether during pregnancy, birth, or the raising of your children. Well let me tell you something and make it very clear; THEY AREN'T YOU, AND THEY DON'T KNOW. I can see my desire for Lilah to excel in everything she does seeping through today and God has taught me a very valuable lesson. I need to be praying for her, loving her, and supporting her. I do NOT need to be pushing her, now or ever, to be who I or anyone else thinks she should be. It may sound silly to some of you that I had a legitimate life lesson taught to me today through day one of an unsuccessful potty training but it's true. God teaches us everyday whether we take notice of it or not. Well, I hear Him loud and clear and it is breaking my heart. I want to love all of my children (foster kids and my own) like Christ loves me. That is my goal. I feel like a bit of a failure today BUT I know that God, my daughter, and my husband forgive me and love me. I did get frustrated with Lilah today. She is my first baby and let's face it, I don't know what the heck I am doing. I can't make the right decisions all the time and I am NOT PERFECT. I try. But I think what I need to be striving for, as much as the human part of me hates it, is to be a Godly example and a Godly example only. This blog post is intended to teach me a lesson in patience and love. If you have read this and feel sorry for me, that was not my intent. I am constantly reminding myself that life is full of up's and down's, I cannot control any of it, and that my sweet Savior is more than capable to handle my day to day. My battles may seem big to me but God is so much BIGGER! Lilah will learn to use the potty when she is ready. I will learn to be 'Mom' through years of practice... and I will NEVER get it just right. I find comfort in that.

Two cups of coffee? That's unheard of!

I had the immense pleasure of enjoying TWO hot cups of coffee this morning in silence because my daughter loves me and decided to sleep in! Hallelujah! It's truly the little things once you become a momma :) On another note, we had our second round of home study interviews yesterday and Phil and I were both under the impression that it would be our final round. Wrong. They are coming back next week for more questions and paperwork. I will tell you, becoming foster parents is not for the lazy or weak of heart. It has been quite a bit of hard work and the paperwork seems to be never ending. One of the questions yesterday had to do with accepting a child of a different race, cultural background, and religion and how we would respect the child's individual beliefs. We answered the question with honesty and sincere hearts... the truth is that we will love each of our foster babies unconditionally and show them Christ's love and grace to the best of our ability. We will respect their families and their values but we will not compromise our faith and belief that God will give us children that need to see who Christ is and come to understand that He loves them no matter their background. Please be praying for Phil, Lilah, and I as we answer the tough questions honestly and pray that He gives us the strength to stand on His strong foundation throughout this process. 7 months have gone by since we started our foster care path and we are anxious to love on the babies that will come to our home and become part of our family. Thanks for the support!! It means everything to us :)

Junk in the Trunk

Insecurity reared its ugly head recently. I have been having a difficult time looking in the mirror and realizing that I will never look 18 again. With that said I have decided to dedicate this post to reminding myself that I am beautiful in the eyes of God, my husband, and my daughter. My self image takes a beating about once every couple of months and I struggle with feeling positive about the body that I have now. It makes me feel quite vulnerable to admit it but I am certain I am not alone in this, right ladies? I fall into the world's unachievable idea of what a woman should look like and I get caught up in my "flaws". In 1 Samuel scripture says, "Do not look at his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart." and in Proverbs 31:30 it says "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." I am praying hard against Satans lies to me. I am beautifully & wonderfully made by my God. I have a husband who tells me everyday that I am beautiful and desired. My precious daughter loves me without condition, the size of my jeans means nothing to her! I want to be beautiful on the inside and have God's light shine through me, I want to be able to take joy in the woman that I have become and tell the world to take a hike because I AM BEAUTIFUL! I love my life and I love myself because God is with me, in me, & forever adores me as His child. Insecurity is a jerk. :)

Get Over Yourself

I find it difficult to put into words how blessed I feel. When I take a minute to really reflect on my life these past couple of years I am overwhelmed with emotion. A sweet friend of mine, Rachel Halpin, said something to me the other day that has really stuck with me, "What if God is rewarding your obedience." Those simple words from someone I truly admire and respect resonate with me because I don't think I have ever considered that as truth. But it is... truth. This may sound strange but I feel guilty. Guilty because I do not feel obedient and because I know I don't deserve the insurmountable grace that my savior bestows on me daily. What did I do to deserve the loving, Godly husband I have? What did I do to deserve Lilah, the most amazing gift I have ever been given? How am I worthy of this new house that we get to make into a home together? How do I deserve the opportunity to foster someone else's child? The answer: I did nothing. I am not deserving. I am not worthy. BUT because my God sent his only son to be crucified and suffer an agonizing death... I am. So to put it bluntly, I decided to get over myself. I am going to praise God, thank God for his blessings and continue to do exactly what I have been doing... strive to be a good wife, a good mother, and an obedient child to my Father. I think that I feel guilt because I am just doing what I know I need to do and I don't feel like I should be rewarded for living my life the way I do. But I have come to realize that God is opening doors for me and my family so that we can serve Him better, more fully, and use the resources that he gives us to grow His kingdom. Getting over myself, getting over the guilt, getting on with glorifying my God.

Fostering, Moving, & a Toddler

To begin I would like to thank my sweet friend Erica Halpin for encouraging me to blog :) It is long overdue.

Fostering
Phil and I are halfway through the process of becoming foster parents. We have completed our PRIDE training through Buckner and have a few more certifications as well as a home study before we are certified to foster. How did this come about? Well, Phil and I were having a discussion one night about 6 months ago where I casually asked him if he would ever consider adoption. He said "Yeah, I think that would be cool. What about fostering? I have done some research on it." My reply was silence. Shocked, mostly, by his admission. I had been thinking the exact same thing. I never really considered fostering as a legitimate undertaking, however, and so I told him that I would think about it. Well, of course, being the person I am I began my own research the very next morning. I spent countless hours looking into CPS, foster homes, foster programs and parent blogs and about a week later I presented Phil with my findings. Buckner looked to be the best option for us as we both wanted to be involved in a christian foster organization. I made a couple of phone calls and sent a few emails. We heard back and were asked to come in for an interview. Oh the anxiety! We were not prepared to be split up for the interview and had not discussed all the questions that they were likely to ask. God took the reigns and needless to say we were accepted and began our training in January. It has been quite a ride already and we are thrilled about where God has led us as a family. There have been legitimate concerns about fostering since we have a toddler and family was understandably concerned. We have a great support team in our families, our friends, and our church. The fact that we could possibly have a foster child in our home by this coming September led us to our next endeavor...

Moving
We knew that we would have to turn our music studio/office into a bedroom and would be needing to make a lot of changes in our home to accommodate another child and abide by the guidelines (rules) given to us by Buckner and CPS. Phil really likes looking at homes online, just to "see what is out there". He contacted our realtor (a precious woman who helped us get our first home) and we were out looking at houses in a week. I didn't take it too seriously because I didn't want to get my hopes up (do we need to put our house on the market? Will it sell? Is this part of the path God is leading us down?). We found it. The perfect house for our growing family. We both fell in love (and Lilah really loves the stairs!). We made an offer, the contractor countered, we accepted. Now it was time to put our home on the market. It didn't hit me until I saw the sign in our front yard, "We are moving... forward" and a lump settled in my throat. This home, our first house, was where we learned how to be husband and wife, it was were we got pregnant, it was where we brought our baby after we left the hospital. So much of our sweat and tears have been poured into this sweet little house and we made it our haven. The thought of leaving these precious memories behind is nearly too much for this girl to bear. But God is opening doors and beckoning us to follow after Him, and we go willingly.
After being on the market for less than a week we had two offers. I swear that trying to sell your home is a part time job in itself. You have to be ready to drop everything at a moments notice, interrupt your routine and "HURRY, WIPE DOWN EVERYTHING! PICK UP LILAH'S TOYS! DOES IT SMELL LIKE BUTT IN HERE?!" :) We countered the first offer and they walked. I had been praying fiercely that God would bring a couple or a family to our home that would cherish it, make their memories in it, and bring joy to others through it and I guarantee the first couple was not going to do that or it would have worked out. We countered the second offer and they accepted. Whew! I though the hard part was over... wrong.
A few less than awesome things have been brought to our attention and we are asking God to lead us to the best solution. We have a contingency period on the home we want to move into and if all goes well we will be closing by May 15th.

Onto the most wonderful part of the whole story: my beautiful daughter.
Lilah is 16 months old now and I don't remember life before her. She is why I was made. She is my purpose. I pray that the Lord sees fit to bless us with more children of our own in the future but if not, Lilah Ann is blessing enough. God shows me who I truly am as a person when I look into her eyes. Can she be a handful, of course! Do I just need a break from the tantrums and some privacy every once in a while? You better believe it! I wouldn't change a single thing about the last 16 months or about this life I have the honor of living each day.

My little family is amazing. I love us and I am proud of the lives that we live as a unit, bound together in Christ.

Bring it on, world. We are ready.


All My Love,
Courtney

It just keeps getting better!

Our sweet Lilah turned 3 weeks old just yesterday! She is the most incredible little miracle, a true gift from our gracious Savior.
I can say without hesitation that the first two weeks were very difficult for me. After being in the hospital for two weeks, having to have an unplanned c-section, recovering from the surgery, & coming home with a new baby completely wore me out. Sleep deprivation combined with off the wall hormones snuck up on me and before I realized it I was letting myself give in to a bit of depression.
I did a lot of praying... And then some more... Then more still and after what felt like an eternity (probably two days) I began to feel a little bit more like myself, the pieces started to come together. Sleep is such wonderful medicine for a new mom! If ever you hear that bringing home baby is wonderful & full of smiles, self assurance, and complete bliss please call me and give me the name and number of the woman spreading such lies, I will need to speak with her!
Don't get me wrong, Lilah is the most incredible little blessing and this third week has been truly wonderful. She is sleeping for 3-4 hours at a time between feedings and doesn't fuss unless she is hungry or needs a new diaper (yes we recognize how lucky we are to have such a wonderful baby).
All of this to say that I have a new respect for mothers and you truly cannot understand until it is your turn :) it just keeps getting better, she changes a little every single day and the thought that she will be a month old in less than a week is a little mind blowing. It is going to go by too fast for this momma.
The fact that the Lord has blessed me with this incredible job is the most flattering feeling I have ever felt. I am a mommy... The only thing I have ever truly longed to be :-) Increadible.