THIS SEASON {is sending me to my knees}

Scripture says "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under Heaven...a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;" (Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 5). I am waist deep in (what feels like) quick sand and the harder I try the deeper I sink. This post is about my season of mothering my three year old daughter. It is about trying so desperately to keep my body, my mind and ,most importantly my heart, calm so that I can attempt to change/mold the heart of my daughter. To embrace or not to embrace- this has been my question recently. You see, my Lilah has the vocabulary of 5-7 year old and the attitude of a preteen. She is witty and sarcastic. She is kind and thoughtful. She is up one second and (deep) down the next. I know that it is likely that every 3 year old (girl especially) has been the epitome of bipolar and that none of what I am saying comes as any surprise. But here is my dilemma- When do I snuggle her to calm her nervous breakdowns and when do I send her to her room to calm herself down? When do I pick her up (after "Mommy, pick me up. Put sister down" has been repeated 36 times in a row without a single breath) and when do I tell her to use the two good legs that God gave her? When do I play along with the dramatic falling on the ground and "hurting" herself and when do I tell her that I am sorry she fell and she needs to get up and shake it off? I don't believe there are answers to these questions, if I am being honest, because every day with her is different and every day she is pushing new boundaries. I have never spent more time in prayer (even when we were afraid we were going to lose our tiny Lilah early in my pregnancy) than I do these days. I am thankful that this season is sending me plummeting into scripture and prayer. I know that there is (going to be) a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I know all of these things because I have complete faith that God is going to pull us all through and that as long as I am sprinting towards Christ I will not ruin my child and send her into a life of despair and longing. {she might get some of her drama from her mama...} So, to you parents of toddlers and those that don't have children, pray with me that the Collins family can make it to Lilah's 4th birthday in some semblance of a whole. I love you all. Thank you for loving us through this season, it may be my only sanity on any given day.

363 Days Remain

We have already hopped into day two of 2014 and I can tell it is going to race by even more quickly than 2013. I don't have much that I wanted to share today, I simply wanted to write. So many people like to look back on their year and reminisce about the happenings, some joyful, some sad, some terrifying and others just "happened". I am no different :) In 2013 we welcomed our second daughter, Violet Joy, into the world. She is just plain fantastic! We also celebrated my Nana's 70th birthday and watched, waited and prayed as she battled through radiation treatment for cancer. I am so beyond thankful to start this new year with her by our side! Phil made some big strides in his career this past year and I am so proud of how hard he works, how seriously he takes his job and how much he enjoys it. Not many people find the kind of fulfillment in their job that he has found. I am grateful that the Lord has also blessed me with a job that I love. Teaching is not something I would have ever ventured after as a younger person but it is exactly where I am meant to be. I have enjoyed growing my vocal studio and watching my "kids" development into beautiful singers and people. Lilah Ann turned three this year and did some serious growing up in the last few months of 2013. It is amazing to watch her learn, grow (physically and emotionally) and contribute to our family dynamic. She is a firecracker and leaves me exhausted at the end of most days. She has such a pretty heart. She is learning to love our Savior, to make choices according to His teaching (through Phil and me), to love without conditions and to give/share (which can be super hard at 3 years old!). I am such a proud Mom, of both of my girls. We are looking very forward to 2014 and where God's path for us is going to lead. I admit that I am trying to prepare my mind for grief, for heartbreak, for awful things that may or may not happen (I often fall into this trap and let my mind get carried away with things that I cannot change) BUT I am making a conscious decision to let God prepare my HEART to override my foolish mind. Happy New Year, friends. We love you, thank you for loving us!

Slow down already!

First, a potty training update: Boom, Done! Lilah has been using the big girl potty for quite a while now and very rarely does she have an accident (like in the middle of the chick-fil-a play place *face palm*). Second, we are officially a family of 4 and I cannot believe how insanely blessed we are to have Violet Joy! It feels like she has always been here and yet time seems to have flown by. She is 2 and a half months old and is a sheer delight. Lilah is completely in love with her. It makes me tear up when I hear Lilah talking to her little sister with such sweet words and such genuine adoration. I know that they will bicker and fight one day but my mommy heart is full to bursting when I watch them together :) Violet is a great little eater and is pushing 12 pounds. She is super strong and we are constantly shaking our heads at how fast she is growing. When she smiles her entire face lights up and her eyes are something else! I LOVE her eyes. Phil is, rightfully so, smitten and enjoying his girls. Lilah adores her daddy and thinks that he hung the moon and stars :) I love sitting back and watching my family, so full of energy and love. I go to bed every night thanking the Lord for each of them and praying that He gives me one more day to love them. I can't fathom why He has given me such abundant grace but I will spend my days trying my best to show Him to my daughters. Well, that's all the update I have for now. All is good at the Collins' home!

Potty Training {so far}

Lilah Ann has understood the concept of using the "big girl potty" for a while now but I have been scared to take the plunge. I have NO IDEA what I am doing. I read a few articles, looked over some online tips, & stopped by half priced books in search of the perfect 'How-To' guide. I have since come to realize that I know my kid the best and we are just going to have to figure this thing out together! Our potty training journey actually began about 6 months ago when Lilah was 18 months old. I had a long weekend off of teaching and thought that we could just knock it out and get it over with. As a few of my Facebook status readers may recall it was a complete disaster. Lilah would joyfully sit on the potty and then get right up, take a few steps, and make a mess of my carpet... tile... nearby blankets... you get the point. We called it quits after two days. Lilah was frustrated and so was I, it just wasn't going to happen and there was no use trying to fight it. I realized at that point that she would be the one to decide when she was ready, not Mommy. So, this past Friday (the Friday after Christmas) I asked her if she wanted to use the big girl potty and she told me she did! I was terrified. We took the plunge together and it was a GREAT day! She loves her Dora panties and I was very cooperative when I asked her to take a break from playing to spend a couple of minutes on the potty. She only had one accident all day and lucky for me it was an easy clean up. *Side note- the best part of it for me was spending the entire day giving her my undivided attention and also, when she had her accident she let me know by saying "Ewwww! Gross Mommy, Gross!"* The most difficult part has been the inconsistency due to our foster children. Lilah does best when I let her run around with no bottoms on at all (just a long shirt or nightgown) and I am very uncomfortable doing that with a little boy in the house. Since "Doug" and "Kate" have been home a lot during the holidays we have had to take long breaks but she is still showing an interest and talks about it all the time. Any time she asks, we take a trip to the potty and whether she goes or not we let her know how proud we are that she used her words to tell us. I would love to have her exclusively using the potty by the time Violet Joy is born (due date March 18th) and I feel like that it totally doable if we continue on the path we are currently on. Any other mommas have a skiddish toddler when it came to going "poo-poo" in the potty?? It seems to terrify her so we aren't pushing it. I am so very proud of my big girl! She's just growing up too fast :)

Two months have passed...

Part of me can't believe that we have been raising three children for over two months and then the other part of me completely believes it and feels like it's been two years! "Kate" & "Doug" came to our home on October 14th, it was an early and adrenaline filled Sunday morning at the Collins home. We had no idea what was in store for us as parents... or as people. Both children, who are now 19 and 7 months old, have been a challenge at times but "Doug" wins by a landslide in the difficult child category. Phil and I spent a good majority of the first month tag teaming him because he would push one of us too far and the other would need to step in. After the first month Phil really took over with "Doug" and I became "Kate"'s primary caregiver. I had (and have had) a much easier time with "Kate". Both kids have some delays because of the atmosphere that they came to us from. "Doug" is right on track with his motor skills and plays like little boys do but is about a year behind in his cognitive development. "Kate" has made the biggest improvements since coming to us and is hardly behind at all anymore, both with her motor skills and her cognitive skills. Our hearts hurt for both children because we know that none of this is their fault. Phil and I have come to learn a lot more about ourselves, about our marriage, our relationships with the Lord (both as individuals and as a couple) since becoming foster parents to these two babies. We have been pushed to our limits, grown together into an unbreakable team, sought out the Lord and fallen on our faces before Him begging for mercy and grace, and our perspective on life has radically changed. I am so thankful that after days of questioning God and asking Him to reveal Himself to us through this journey, He has. His plan was perfect from the beginning. There are still plenty of tag team moments and night where we just look at each other with defeat in our eyes but the Lords grace is new EVERY morning and we are more aware of that now than we ever could have been before. I am so grateful for my own daughter and her sweet little sister on the way. I would not have been capable of this kind of gratefulness had we not been through this process. God is good all the time and all the time God is so good.

Answered Prayer!

To those who read this... thank you in advance for your willingness to open your hearts to what we are going through and thank you also for your understanding and shared joy! To begin, we found out that we were pregnant with our second little miracle in early July. At that time we were still in the stages of completing our foster parent training. We let Buckner know that we were pregnant during our home study interviews and that the baby was due to arrive around the beginning of March. They were very supportive just as they had been when we told them in our initial interviews that we planned on continuing to grow our family as well as foster. They assured us that we could say "no" at any time and that we could also give a 30 day notice (which is typical of 99% of foster care agencies) if the placement was needing a change. When Phil and I said "yes" to two foster babies, a month ago yesterday, we were under the impression that the same assurance we were given initially was going to hold strong and that we would have the freedom and understanding to take whatever steps necessary for our family in regards to the foster children. We had no preconceived ideas about how long we would have the kids and at the time we knew that there was a good chance that the kids would be reunited with their mother before our Violet was due. That does not look to be the case anymore and although they have family in the area that they are from, those family members are not fit to care for the children based on state standards. After a not so successful case study in our home this past Friday (thats a whole other story...) I was extremely disheartened to tell Phil that it was looking like we would not be able to enjoy being just a family of 4 for a while and that we were not going to be granted our request for displacement by late February (just before Violet is due to arrive). We spent a very long 5 days praying harder than we ever have, and asking our close friends and family to be praying with us, that these two babies be placed with a family (if not their own) that would love them and have the time to devote to them once our second little girl gets here. **The thought of having a 2 year old, a 22 month old, a 10 month old and a newborn is more than this momma can handle. I never pretended to be superwoman/supermom** ON WEDNESDAY WE GOT AN INCREDIBLE PHONE CALL from our Buckner case worker assuring us that the situation had been discussed and that the supervisor agreed that the children should be displaced before our daughter is born!!!! I was sitting in the middle of an Early Childhood Intervention assessment with "Doug & Kate" when I listened to the voicemail and I had no shame when I started to cry. Phil and I have gone through some severe guilt in deciding that this is what is best for our family but at the end of the day it truly IS what is best for our family. We want to enjoy our sweet second baby and we want Lilah to enjoy her new baby sister. Violet will only be tiny for such a very short time, as we well know, and we don't feel that "Doug & Kate" would benefit from being a part of our family during that time. Our attention is going to be focused on our girls, as it should be. We are so thankful for Gods perfect plan and we are also thankful to see a light at the end of the tunnel. This has been the most difficult thing that we have ever done in our lives and we are grateful for all we have learned. Again, thank you for your open heart when you read this and thank you for supporting our family :)

Two Weeks Later

Well, it has been nearly two weeks since we received our first foster care placement. These have been the most difficult, joyful, painful, surprising weeks of our lives as parents. Both "Doug" and "Kate" are adjusting to our lifestyle but there is still a long way to go and we don't know when our time with them will come to an end. Kate has been the easiest. At 5 months old she is a happy little girl that loves to smile and eat. We are still working on getting her to eat solid, baby food but she eats a bottle like a champ. We had one successful night where she slept until 5:30am but that hasn't happened a second time. Doug has been quite a testament to the level of our patience. He is a very emotional little boy and cries at the drop of a hat. Phil and I are not used to this kind of temperament as Lilah will whine but she has been telling us what is wrong since she was a year old. Doug did not speak any 'real words' when he was placed with us two weeks ago. Since then he has learned "cracker" & "DaDa" which he calls Phil :) He has made a lot of progress the last two weeks and is able to mimic a lot of what Lilah does. If I am going to be completely honest though, there have been multiple times that I have wanted to throw up my hands and quit. The constant refereeing between Doug and Lilah is tiring, the amount of energy used to keep Doug from melting down is astronomical, and my limit of patience is reached by about 6pm everyday. I thought, as we were going through all of our training, that if a child was placed with us that loving them was going to be the easy part. How could I not love and embrace a child that was depending on me to stand in as their mom? How could anyone be angry or short tempered with a little child coming from such terrible circumstances?? Certainly not ME?! Wrong. So wrong. I wake up every morning praying for God to give me compassion and to pour into me the right kind of love to pour out on these children. I say the same prayer about 50 times a day. I have lost my temper more times that I care to count and I have to walk away for a few minutes. I was not prepared for the emotional struggle that I would face. They prepare you for so many aspects of becoming a foster parent but they neglected to mention how hard it may be to love them without condition. I am willing to be completely honest with anyone that asks "how is it going?" and I have gotten a few shocked faces when I admit that it is difficult and that I am struggling to like one of my foster babies. I see no need to lie and pretend like this path that the Lord has put us on is blissful and rewarding in the moment. We are doing the very best we can as God's children to plant seeds in these tiny kiddos. We are loving them the best we know how and we learn something new about them and ourselves every single day... every single hour. We do NOT regret becoming foster parents. Not for a single second have we questioned that Gods plan is perfect for us. Have we questioned our own abilities?? Only about a million times, but Gods grace is sufficient for us and we are His hands and feet. Thank you so much for your prayers, please don't stop praying for us. We love you all.