Two Weeks Later

Well, it has been nearly two weeks since we received our first foster care placement. These have been the most difficult, joyful, painful, surprising weeks of our lives as parents. Both "Doug" and "Kate" are adjusting to our lifestyle but there is still a long way to go and we don't know when our time with them will come to an end. Kate has been the easiest. At 5 months old she is a happy little girl that loves to smile and eat. We are still working on getting her to eat solid, baby food but she eats a bottle like a champ. We had one successful night where she slept until 5:30am but that hasn't happened a second time. Doug has been quite a testament to the level of our patience. He is a very emotional little boy and cries at the drop of a hat. Phil and I are not used to this kind of temperament as Lilah will whine but she has been telling us what is wrong since she was a year old. Doug did not speak any 'real words' when he was placed with us two weeks ago. Since then he has learned "cracker" & "DaDa" which he calls Phil :) He has made a lot of progress the last two weeks and is able to mimic a lot of what Lilah does. If I am going to be completely honest though, there have been multiple times that I have wanted to throw up my hands and quit. The constant refereeing between Doug and Lilah is tiring, the amount of energy used to keep Doug from melting down is astronomical, and my limit of patience is reached by about 6pm everyday. I thought, as we were going through all of our training, that if a child was placed with us that loving them was going to be the easy part. How could I not love and embrace a child that was depending on me to stand in as their mom? How could anyone be angry or short tempered with a little child coming from such terrible circumstances?? Certainly not ME?! Wrong. So wrong. I wake up every morning praying for God to give me compassion and to pour into me the right kind of love to pour out on these children. I say the same prayer about 50 times a day. I have lost my temper more times that I care to count and I have to walk away for a few minutes. I was not prepared for the emotional struggle that I would face. They prepare you for so many aspects of becoming a foster parent but they neglected to mention how hard it may be to love them without condition. I am willing to be completely honest with anyone that asks "how is it going?" and I have gotten a few shocked faces when I admit that it is difficult and that I am struggling to like one of my foster babies. I see no need to lie and pretend like this path that the Lord has put us on is blissful and rewarding in the moment. We are doing the very best we can as God's children to plant seeds in these tiny kiddos. We are loving them the best we know how and we learn something new about them and ourselves every single day... every single hour. We do NOT regret becoming foster parents. Not for a single second have we questioned that Gods plan is perfect for us. Have we questioned our own abilities?? Only about a million times, but Gods grace is sufficient for us and we are His hands and feet. Thank you so much for your prayers, please don't stop praying for us. We love you all.