Teenage Dreams

Ok, random, I was driving home from school today and that Katy Perry song was on the radio (the one about living a teenage dream...) and it made me think about how much time I spent dreaming about & begging God for my "boyfriend/future husband". I mean, seriously, I constantly had daydreams about what it would be like to have a guy brush the hair out of my face or reach over and hold my hand while he was driving or .... a million other super romantic things :) I'm blessed to be older, a bit wiser, and to have all of those wonderful daydream fantasies be my reality. I am grateful that Phil and I both had the wisdom and patience to wait for each other. That is all! I told you it was random. *Side note: I do not encourage or make a habit of listening to most of todays pop music.* haha.

Officially Official

Phil and I became official foster parents on Friday, September 14th! I missed the phone call from our social worker and received the news over a voicemail but Phil had a chance to speak with her. We were both so excited, relieved, and in need of some deep breaths. We didn't hear anything over the weekend or for the next week. They told us previously that we could probably expect a placement within a month or so. I never leave my phone where I cannot hear it ring or vibrate just in case we get a call from Buckner. On Monday afternoon around 3:15 Lilah and I were playing in the living room when my phone started buzzing, it was Buckner calling to ask if we were open for the placement of a one year old from Fort Worth. I was breathless and thrilled and of course my answer was "Yes!". I called Phil and he jumped into action :) We didn't have a crib for a one year old (Lilah's crib was converted into the big girl bed she uses now) so Phil stopped and bought an inexpensive, but very sturdy, crib along with a new mattress, sheets, and a mattress pad on his way home. We waited, I had trouble being patient, for a call from Buckner. Finally, my phone rang just after 5:30 and I was told that unfortunately CPS had chosen another agency and that the child had already been placed elsewhere. I cried. Then I prayed for that child and knew that God had put him or her right where they needed to be... I had just hoped that place was in our home. So, we go back to waiting and praying :) Our hearts are light and we are thankful for the kickstart that first call gave us! Now it is real!

"I'm ready Mommy!"

My precious Lilah started Mothers Day Out today, which we call school, at Murphy Road Baptist Church. I have been pretty wrapped up in getting everything prepared for her to start, so much so that I hadn't really thought about what it was going to be like for her to actually GO. This morning I asked her if she was ready to go to school, she looked me in the eye with a smile and said, "I'm ready Mommy!" and that was when it hit me. My baby is leaving me today. Where has time gone and where did my teeny little baby go? I have cried off and on since I walked away from her playing and making new friends this morning but I can honestly say that it isn't so much because I am sad, which I am, but more because I am truly overwhelmed by God's sweet grace and His love for me, my daughter, and my husband. I am so unworthy of the unconditional love of my daughter, so hopelessly sinful and imperfect... but look what He has given me!! I'll say it again, I am overwhelmed! Here are some pictures from my big girls first day of school!! Since she was up & ready to play at 5am she decided to take a little cat nap on the way.

She wanted to carry her "sleepbag" into school by herself :)

She really wanted to take her name sticker off of her sleeping bag...

I love this, telling Daddy she is ready to play!

Such a big girl.

"I play?!" Sweet love, she was super excited and Mommy was choking back tears.

First day of school picture with Daddy!

So many things kept catching her attention, the classroom is perfect for a big imagination!

First day of school picture with Mommy!

She went right over and sat down to play with the toys. She kept looking at another little girl that was crying with a curious look on her face. It didn't phase her that we were leaving :)

She is going to have such a good time with all her new friends!! I'm so happy for her :)

A Tidbit or Two

Here is what has been going on with the Collins clan... 1) Baby number TWO is right on schedule and has a wonderfully strong little heartbeat. Blessed :) 2) School has started back and I have taken on two new schools this year. I will now be teaching 4 days a week at Arbor Creek Middle School (Lewisville ISD), McMillen High School (Plano ISD), Schrade Middle School (Garland ISD), and Rowlett High School (Garland ISD). I am really excited to continue working with some sweet friends as colleagues and begin new working relationships as well. I am also looking forward to what God will use me for (and teach me) with my kiddos this year both musically and spiritually. 3) Phil, Lilah, and I all had to get tested for TB (tuberculosis) as part of our preparation to be a foster family and the results were just as we expected with Phil and Lilah, no TB. I was not so lucky and had a positive skin test. The next step is typically a chest xray but since I am pregnant that was not an option. I had blood work done instead and the good news is that it is not at a contagious stage. There is a chance that I have "latent tuberculosis" which has no symptoms but still needs to be treated with 9 months of medication. ***SO I want to make it clear that I am not contagious, there is no reason to be weary of being around me or my family and I am not suffering from any symptoms ;)*** 4) We have completed our home study and all but one of our inspections which means, as long as nothing crazy happens, we should be certified foster parents VERY soon! I have been thinking that I really need to get connected with a group of moms that are going through the same stage of life as me (toddler, pregnant, working, fostering...) because it is very difficult to connect with friends who can't share in the emotions, both good and bad. 5) My angel girl starts Parents Day Out (which I will forever call Mothers Day Out because I don't mind being politically incorrect) next week and we have meet the teacher tomorrow night! What in the world... how is my teeny 5lb 12oz baby girl starting "school"?! It is utterly impossible to explain how I feel but in a nutshell it would be terrified, thrilled, sad, joyful, & bittersweet :) I pretty much think that she is the smartest, most beautiful child that there ever was! Which brings me to my final topic... 6) I know I will understand when this new baby 'Dot' is born but how can I possibly have any more room in my heart to love another child??? I look forward to looking back at this post with a smile and writing one up about how amazing it is that my heart can be so full of love for both of our children. Love to you all, thanks for reading!!

Potty Training

Well, we tried for the first time today. Lilah has been introduced to the 'big girl potty' for a while now. She accompanies me to the bathroom every time I go. I thought "Well, she is 19 months old now, she is probably ready!" Nope. Here's the thing... and this is likely going to make me sound like the worst mom on the planet BUT I blog to be vulnerable... my daughter has been ahead of the curve on just about everything. She was born premature, she never went to the NICU, her pediatrician assures me each visit that she is well beyond her age as far as height, activity, and speech go so I assumed that she was ready for the big time at almost exactly 19 months old... no more diapers. I have read (yes, I realize that each child is different and no one child will potty train the same way or at the same age) so many articles about how "I potty trained my 18 month old in 3 days!" articles that I was certain that my girl would take to it like a champ. I cry as I write this because I never want to be the mother that forces her children to do things that they aren't ready for or that they don't want to do. I want to support and love my children as individuals, let them be who they are. I think the trap that I have fallen into is that 'when it's right for me, it's right for them', well it's not. A lot of people like to tell you what you should be doing or they like to tell you when it's right, whether during pregnancy, birth, or the raising of your children. Well let me tell you something and make it very clear; THEY AREN'T YOU, AND THEY DON'T KNOW. I can see my desire for Lilah to excel in everything she does seeping through today and God has taught me a very valuable lesson. I need to be praying for her, loving her, and supporting her. I do NOT need to be pushing her, now or ever, to be who I or anyone else thinks she should be. It may sound silly to some of you that I had a legitimate life lesson taught to me today through day one of an unsuccessful potty training but it's true. God teaches us everyday whether we take notice of it or not. Well, I hear Him loud and clear and it is breaking my heart. I want to love all of my children (foster kids and my own) like Christ loves me. That is my goal. I feel like a bit of a failure today BUT I know that God, my daughter, and my husband forgive me and love me. I did get frustrated with Lilah today. She is my first baby and let's face it, I don't know what the heck I am doing. I can't make the right decisions all the time and I am NOT PERFECT. I try. But I think what I need to be striving for, as much as the human part of me hates it, is to be a Godly example and a Godly example only. This blog post is intended to teach me a lesson in patience and love. If you have read this and feel sorry for me, that was not my intent. I am constantly reminding myself that life is full of up's and down's, I cannot control any of it, and that my sweet Savior is more than capable to handle my day to day. My battles may seem big to me but God is so much BIGGER! Lilah will learn to use the potty when she is ready. I will learn to be 'Mom' through years of practice... and I will NEVER get it just right. I find comfort in that.

Two cups of coffee? That's unheard of!

I had the immense pleasure of enjoying TWO hot cups of coffee this morning in silence because my daughter loves me and decided to sleep in! Hallelujah! It's truly the little things once you become a momma :) On another note, we had our second round of home study interviews yesterday and Phil and I were both under the impression that it would be our final round. Wrong. They are coming back next week for more questions and paperwork. I will tell you, becoming foster parents is not for the lazy or weak of heart. It has been quite a bit of hard work and the paperwork seems to be never ending. One of the questions yesterday had to do with accepting a child of a different race, cultural background, and religion and how we would respect the child's individual beliefs. We answered the question with honesty and sincere hearts... the truth is that we will love each of our foster babies unconditionally and show them Christ's love and grace to the best of our ability. We will respect their families and their values but we will not compromise our faith and belief that God will give us children that need to see who Christ is and come to understand that He loves them no matter their background. Please be praying for Phil, Lilah, and I as we answer the tough questions honestly and pray that He gives us the strength to stand on His strong foundation throughout this process. 7 months have gone by since we started our foster care path and we are anxious to love on the babies that will come to our home and become part of our family. Thanks for the support!! It means everything to us :)

Junk in the Trunk

Insecurity reared its ugly head recently. I have been having a difficult time looking in the mirror and realizing that I will never look 18 again. With that said I have decided to dedicate this post to reminding myself that I am beautiful in the eyes of God, my husband, and my daughter. My self image takes a beating about once every couple of months and I struggle with feeling positive about the body that I have now. It makes me feel quite vulnerable to admit it but I am certain I am not alone in this, right ladies? I fall into the world's unachievable idea of what a woman should look like and I get caught up in my "flaws". In 1 Samuel scripture says, "Do not look at his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart." and in Proverbs 31:30 it says "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." I am praying hard against Satans lies to me. I am beautifully & wonderfully made by my God. I have a husband who tells me everyday that I am beautiful and desired. My precious daughter loves me without condition, the size of my jeans means nothing to her! I want to be beautiful on the inside and have God's light shine through me, I want to be able to take joy in the woman that I have become and tell the world to take a hike because I AM BEAUTIFUL! I love my life and I love myself because God is with me, in me, & forever adores me as His child. Insecurity is a jerk. :)