Two Weeks Later

Well, it has been nearly two weeks since we received our first foster care placement. These have been the most difficult, joyful, painful, surprising weeks of our lives as parents. Both "Doug" and "Kate" are adjusting to our lifestyle but there is still a long way to go and we don't know when our time with them will come to an end. Kate has been the easiest. At 5 months old she is a happy little girl that loves to smile and eat. We are still working on getting her to eat solid, baby food but she eats a bottle like a champ. We had one successful night where she slept until 5:30am but that hasn't happened a second time. Doug has been quite a testament to the level of our patience. He is a very emotional little boy and cries at the drop of a hat. Phil and I are not used to this kind of temperament as Lilah will whine but she has been telling us what is wrong since she was a year old. Doug did not speak any 'real words' when he was placed with us two weeks ago. Since then he has learned "cracker" & "DaDa" which he calls Phil :) He has made a lot of progress the last two weeks and is able to mimic a lot of what Lilah does. If I am going to be completely honest though, there have been multiple times that I have wanted to throw up my hands and quit. The constant refereeing between Doug and Lilah is tiring, the amount of energy used to keep Doug from melting down is astronomical, and my limit of patience is reached by about 6pm everyday. I thought, as we were going through all of our training, that if a child was placed with us that loving them was going to be the easy part. How could I not love and embrace a child that was depending on me to stand in as their mom? How could anyone be angry or short tempered with a little child coming from such terrible circumstances?? Certainly not ME?! Wrong. So wrong. I wake up every morning praying for God to give me compassion and to pour into me the right kind of love to pour out on these children. I say the same prayer about 50 times a day. I have lost my temper more times that I care to count and I have to walk away for a few minutes. I was not prepared for the emotional struggle that I would face. They prepare you for so many aspects of becoming a foster parent but they neglected to mention how hard it may be to love them without condition. I am willing to be completely honest with anyone that asks "how is it going?" and I have gotten a few shocked faces when I admit that it is difficult and that I am struggling to like one of my foster babies. I see no need to lie and pretend like this path that the Lord has put us on is blissful and rewarding in the moment. We are doing the very best we can as God's children to plant seeds in these tiny kiddos. We are loving them the best we know how and we learn something new about them and ourselves every single day... every single hour. We do NOT regret becoming foster parents. Not for a single second have we questioned that Gods plan is perfect for us. Have we questioned our own abilities?? Only about a million times, but Gods grace is sufficient for us and we are His hands and feet. Thank you so much for your prayers, please don't stop praying for us. We love you all.

Foster Placement #1

It's funny how smart God is. Phil and I sat back for a very brief moment last night and considered all that had taken place in the last 48 hours and we saw God's hand in every single second of it. To start, we took a short trip to Waco as a family for the TCU v. Baylor game (GO FROGS!) which isn't a typical Saturday for us. We got to spend some sweet time with family and we got to enjoy uninterrupted time with our daughter. We weren't sure if we would spend the night in Waco or make the trip home late that night but decided to go ahead with the latter. After falling into bed about midnight we slept hard until my phone started ringing about 4am. I didn't recognize the number so I clicked it off and laid back down only to have Phil's phone start ringing with the same number a few seconds later. I had to wake Phil up, of course, because that boy can sleep through just about anything. He answered and I knew immediately we were going to be asked about a placement. The first two placement calls we had received had left me feeling jumpy and nervous, a little sick to my stomach, but I felt pretty calm sitting there in bed trying to hear everything our social worker was telling Phil and I started praying. He hung up and relayed everything he could remember (he was still half asleep) to me and we considered our options. TWO babies?! But this is our first placement, why do they keep asking us to take TWO?! Both children were under the age of two and being pulled out of their home for drug use, it was going to be an immediate placement and that's all they could tell us. It took us about 5 minutes of debate to come to the conclusion that God wouldn't put us in a situation that we couldn't handle and deciding to have faith in His plan we called back to tell them that yes, we were open for the placement. During the time we were waiting for the kids to arrive we assembled a crib upstairs, dug out all of Lilah's bottles, toys, and what clothes we could find that would fit a 5 month old. The kids arrived at about 7:15 Sunday morning. The 5 month old girl, we are going to call her Kate since real names cannot be used, and 17 month old boy, we will call him Doug, were a stab to our hearts. Doug attached himself to Phil and wouldn't let go and Kate sat grinning in her carseat while we went through all the paperwork, what little background information the CPS worker had, and a walk through of the house. Our sweet Lilah woke up just after they arrived and was completely smitten with Kate from first glance, she didn't leave her side until Daddy offered breakfast :) We spent Sunday morning changing diapers, bathing kids, doing load after load of laundry to remove the foul stench that came with the babies, and praying. I did a lot of crying. I wouldn't even notice I was crying until I couldn't see through the tears. It has been the most emotional experience of either of our lives. Lilah has done AMAZINGLY well! I am so incredibly proud of our angel girl and her ability to love these kids, to accept them into her house and into our family. I can see Christ in my little girl and I cannot tell you how that fills my heart to overflowing. Our first night as a family of 5 went better than we had anticipated. Kate only woke up twice, ate well and went back to sleep. Doug only fought bedtime for a short while and slept for 10 hours. Lilah crawled in bed, read her bible, and said her "I love you's" just like she always does and slept for 10 hours as well. Day two was tougher than day one but I had some wonderful help from my Mom and my Nana :) They have been so compassionate and encouraging, helpful and selfless! I am so blessed to have the support of people that love my family and respect the calling that the Lord has put on our hearts. Day three is just beginning as I hear my girl stirring from her bed, duty calls! Thank you for your prayers and Phil and I ask that you please continue to pray for us, all 5 of us. It is likely that we will have Kate and Doug for a while and we want to pour into them throughout this time we have together. All our love, the Collins'

Teenage Dreams

Ok, random, I was driving home from school today and that Katy Perry song was on the radio (the one about living a teenage dream...) and it made me think about how much time I spent dreaming about & begging God for my "boyfriend/future husband". I mean, seriously, I constantly had daydreams about what it would be like to have a guy brush the hair out of my face or reach over and hold my hand while he was driving or .... a million other super romantic things :) I'm blessed to be older, a bit wiser, and to have all of those wonderful daydream fantasies be my reality. I am grateful that Phil and I both had the wisdom and patience to wait for each other. That is all! I told you it was random. *Side note: I do not encourage or make a habit of listening to most of todays pop music.* haha.

Officially Official

Phil and I became official foster parents on Friday, September 14th! I missed the phone call from our social worker and received the news over a voicemail but Phil had a chance to speak with her. We were both so excited, relieved, and in need of some deep breaths. We didn't hear anything over the weekend or for the next week. They told us previously that we could probably expect a placement within a month or so. I never leave my phone where I cannot hear it ring or vibrate just in case we get a call from Buckner. On Monday afternoon around 3:15 Lilah and I were playing in the living room when my phone started buzzing, it was Buckner calling to ask if we were open for the placement of a one year old from Fort Worth. I was breathless and thrilled and of course my answer was "Yes!". I called Phil and he jumped into action :) We didn't have a crib for a one year old (Lilah's crib was converted into the big girl bed she uses now) so Phil stopped and bought an inexpensive, but very sturdy, crib along with a new mattress, sheets, and a mattress pad on his way home. We waited, I had trouble being patient, for a call from Buckner. Finally, my phone rang just after 5:30 and I was told that unfortunately CPS had chosen another agency and that the child had already been placed elsewhere. I cried. Then I prayed for that child and knew that God had put him or her right where they needed to be... I had just hoped that place was in our home. So, we go back to waiting and praying :) Our hearts are light and we are thankful for the kickstart that first call gave us! Now it is real!

"I'm ready Mommy!"

My precious Lilah started Mothers Day Out today, which we call school, at Murphy Road Baptist Church. I have been pretty wrapped up in getting everything prepared for her to start, so much so that I hadn't really thought about what it was going to be like for her to actually GO. This morning I asked her if she was ready to go to school, she looked me in the eye with a smile and said, "I'm ready Mommy!" and that was when it hit me. My baby is leaving me today. Where has time gone and where did my teeny little baby go? I have cried off and on since I walked away from her playing and making new friends this morning but I can honestly say that it isn't so much because I am sad, which I am, but more because I am truly overwhelmed by God's sweet grace and His love for me, my daughter, and my husband. I am so unworthy of the unconditional love of my daughter, so hopelessly sinful and imperfect... but look what He has given me!! I'll say it again, I am overwhelmed! Here are some pictures from my big girls first day of school!! Since she was up & ready to play at 5am she decided to take a little cat nap on the way.

She wanted to carry her "sleepbag" into school by herself :)

She really wanted to take her name sticker off of her sleeping bag...

I love this, telling Daddy she is ready to play!

Such a big girl.

"I play?!" Sweet love, she was super excited and Mommy was choking back tears.

First day of school picture with Daddy!

So many things kept catching her attention, the classroom is perfect for a big imagination!

First day of school picture with Mommy!

She went right over and sat down to play with the toys. She kept looking at another little girl that was crying with a curious look on her face. It didn't phase her that we were leaving :)

She is going to have such a good time with all her new friends!! I'm so happy for her :)

A Tidbit or Two

Here is what has been going on with the Collins clan... 1) Baby number TWO is right on schedule and has a wonderfully strong little heartbeat. Blessed :) 2) School has started back and I have taken on two new schools this year. I will now be teaching 4 days a week at Arbor Creek Middle School (Lewisville ISD), McMillen High School (Plano ISD), Schrade Middle School (Garland ISD), and Rowlett High School (Garland ISD). I am really excited to continue working with some sweet friends as colleagues and begin new working relationships as well. I am also looking forward to what God will use me for (and teach me) with my kiddos this year both musically and spiritually. 3) Phil, Lilah, and I all had to get tested for TB (tuberculosis) as part of our preparation to be a foster family and the results were just as we expected with Phil and Lilah, no TB. I was not so lucky and had a positive skin test. The next step is typically a chest xray but since I am pregnant that was not an option. I had blood work done instead and the good news is that it is not at a contagious stage. There is a chance that I have "latent tuberculosis" which has no symptoms but still needs to be treated with 9 months of medication. ***SO I want to make it clear that I am not contagious, there is no reason to be weary of being around me or my family and I am not suffering from any symptoms ;)*** 4) We have completed our home study and all but one of our inspections which means, as long as nothing crazy happens, we should be certified foster parents VERY soon! I have been thinking that I really need to get connected with a group of moms that are going through the same stage of life as me (toddler, pregnant, working, fostering...) because it is very difficult to connect with friends who can't share in the emotions, both good and bad. 5) My angel girl starts Parents Day Out (which I will forever call Mothers Day Out because I don't mind being politically incorrect) next week and we have meet the teacher tomorrow night! What in the world... how is my teeny 5lb 12oz baby girl starting "school"?! It is utterly impossible to explain how I feel but in a nutshell it would be terrified, thrilled, sad, joyful, & bittersweet :) I pretty much think that she is the smartest, most beautiful child that there ever was! Which brings me to my final topic... 6) I know I will understand when this new baby 'Dot' is born but how can I possibly have any more room in my heart to love another child??? I look forward to looking back at this post with a smile and writing one up about how amazing it is that my heart can be so full of love for both of our children. Love to you all, thanks for reading!!

Potty Training

Well, we tried for the first time today. Lilah has been introduced to the 'big girl potty' for a while now. She accompanies me to the bathroom every time I go. I thought "Well, she is 19 months old now, she is probably ready!" Nope. Here's the thing... and this is likely going to make me sound like the worst mom on the planet BUT I blog to be vulnerable... my daughter has been ahead of the curve on just about everything. She was born premature, she never went to the NICU, her pediatrician assures me each visit that she is well beyond her age as far as height, activity, and speech go so I assumed that she was ready for the big time at almost exactly 19 months old... no more diapers. I have read (yes, I realize that each child is different and no one child will potty train the same way or at the same age) so many articles about how "I potty trained my 18 month old in 3 days!" articles that I was certain that my girl would take to it like a champ. I cry as I write this because I never want to be the mother that forces her children to do things that they aren't ready for or that they don't want to do. I want to support and love my children as individuals, let them be who they are. I think the trap that I have fallen into is that 'when it's right for me, it's right for them', well it's not. A lot of people like to tell you what you should be doing or they like to tell you when it's right, whether during pregnancy, birth, or the raising of your children. Well let me tell you something and make it very clear; THEY AREN'T YOU, AND THEY DON'T KNOW. I can see my desire for Lilah to excel in everything she does seeping through today and God has taught me a very valuable lesson. I need to be praying for her, loving her, and supporting her. I do NOT need to be pushing her, now or ever, to be who I or anyone else thinks she should be. It may sound silly to some of you that I had a legitimate life lesson taught to me today through day one of an unsuccessful potty training but it's true. God teaches us everyday whether we take notice of it or not. Well, I hear Him loud and clear and it is breaking my heart. I want to love all of my children (foster kids and my own) like Christ loves me. That is my goal. I feel like a bit of a failure today BUT I know that God, my daughter, and my husband forgive me and love me. I did get frustrated with Lilah today. She is my first baby and let's face it, I don't know what the heck I am doing. I can't make the right decisions all the time and I am NOT PERFECT. I try. But I think what I need to be striving for, as much as the human part of me hates it, is to be a Godly example and a Godly example only. This blog post is intended to teach me a lesson in patience and love. If you have read this and feel sorry for me, that was not my intent. I am constantly reminding myself that life is full of up's and down's, I cannot control any of it, and that my sweet Savior is more than capable to handle my day to day. My battles may seem big to me but God is so much BIGGER! Lilah will learn to use the potty when she is ready. I will learn to be 'Mom' through years of practice... and I will NEVER get it just right. I find comfort in that.