We Have Our Own Angel Now

My husband and I spent several months praying for a third baby. We have always wanted a big family :) On New Years day 2015 we found out that God had answered our prayer. It was the perfect way to start the new year and we were beyond thrilled to see a little plus sign on the home pregnancy test! My pregnancy with our third little miracle was similar in many ways to my previous pregnancies but, just like the first two, had its own special nuances. My emotional state through the first three months was unpredictable to say the least. I was sad a lot (which I had been through my pregnancy with Violet as well) and I had very vivid nightmares about losing our baby, losing my girls and even losing my husband. I spent quite a bit of time trying to pray away the awful images of my nightmares. Phil and I were so thankful to be able to get pregnant and talked through what our future with three kids would look like. Would we finally get our little boy or would we be blessed with another beautiful little girl? We had our first doctors appointment on January 29th. Phil went with me and we were able to have a sonogram to confirm the pregnancy and see our third little one. There was a strong heartbeat and everything looked perfect. I was 8 weeks pregnant and praising God for this new life. I went back in at 12 weeks for a routine checkup and had all my blood work done. Our baby's heart rate was strong at 146bmp and the waistband of my favorite jeans was getting pretty tight :) All of my blood work came back great and I made the appointment for our 16 week checkup as well as our 18 week sonogram appointment (boy or girl?!). We were planning to announce our pregnancy officially after we found out the gender and I already knew just how we would do it. The anticipation was killing me! I was so looking forward to sharing our news with everyone, especially since my belly was becoming noticeable and I didn't want people thinking I was eating a dozen donuts for breakfast each morning ;) (Mmmm, donuts...). On March 26th, a Thursday morning while the girls where at school, I laid in room #8 of my doctors office while nurse Daphne (a precious woman) ran the Doppler over my baby bump. I waited impatiently for that beautiful "whooshing" sound that is music to a Mommy's ears but that sound never came. Nurse Daphne searched for a good three to four minutes while I made some awkward jokes to lighten the mood, certain that my baby was just being stubborn (as my children have been known to be). She turned off the Doppler and declared that I was going to get a sonogram and wouldn't that be fun! I hadn't planned on seeing our little miracle for another two weeks, at the gender reveal appointment, so I was totally on board with this idea. I tried to swallow down the sick feeling that was working its way up my throat. She wheeled in their portable sonogram machine and went right to it. There it was! My sweet little baby, perfectly formed and looking just like I knew it would. My heart began pounding faster as Nurse Daphne turned the machine away from my view and frowned at the images on the screen. She announced that she didn't like this sonogram machine anyways and informed me that we where going to travel down the hall to use "a better one" that she liked more. Then she said it. "But I don't see a heartbeat." What? No. That can't be right. I believe my exact words to her where "Shut up". I fell back on the table with my hands thrown over my face and there, in exam room #8, my nightmare became reality. I didn't cry, I just clutched my jacket to my chest (it's always cold in the doctors office, you know) and blindly followed nurse Daphne to the end of what seemed like an impossibly long hallway. Pregnant women were being escorted into rooms, other nurses where making eye contact with each other as they scooted around me and nurse Daphne was asking about the availability of another sonogram machine because she didn't know how to work the one that was available. I just stood at the end of the hallway. Scared. Numb. And the melody "even so come, Lord Jesus come" played over and over in my head. Nurse Daphne decided to give the available machine a try so I loosened my grip on my jacket, laid it across a chair and awkwardly climbed up on the exam table. As she dimmed the lights I remember her asking me if I had anyone here with me. No, of course I didn't! This was just supposed to be a boring checkup! I shook my head and nurse Daphne spent the next 10 minutes trying desperately to figure out the sonogram machine. She kept apologizing and I just kept assuring her that it was okay, which it wasn't. Nothing about this was okay. Every second that passed was more terrifying than the last. I started talking to God, asking him to let me keep this baby if it was at all possible. Nurse Daphne left the room. Then she came back in. Then she left again. I just laid there. "Even so come, Lord Jesus come" was on repeat in my brain. Poor nurse Daphne finally got the machine to work and I saw our sweet littlest one appear on the screen in front of me but our little miracle wasn't moving. No heartbeat. Our baby was dead. Another doctor that I didn't know came in to confirm what I already knew and that is when my heart shattered and the tears came. I've never known a hurt like that before. Dr. No Name started talking about how things like this just happen and assured me that it was nothing that I did or didn't do. Then they left me in the room. Just me and my dead baby. I spent the next few minutes on the floor of that room letting all of my hurt and fear spill out. After I was able to pull myself together enough to talk, I called Phil (who was in a meeting half an hour away) and told him that there was no heartbeat and that he needed to come to the hospital. Once Phil arrived at the hospital we made a plan to come back and meet with my normal OBGYN to discuss what comes next. I was told that based on how far along I was in my pregnancy that I would likely be put into labor and would deliver our baby. We went home and the first thing I did was take down my pregnancy calendar. I showered and we went to pick the girls up at school. The first thing Lilah (our precious four year old) asked me when I got to her classroom was "how's our baby?" since she knew I was having a checkup that morning. I started crying and took her into the hallway where I told her that our baby went to heaven. I held her while we both cried. On our way down the stairs we talked about how our baby was with her sweet cousin Rhett now and she told me that it was nice that they had each other to play with. We met my father-in-law at the hospital where he took the girls and Phil and I headed back in to meet with my doctor. They did another sonogram (this time nurse Daphne got to use the machine she liked) so Phil could see our perfectly formed, perfectly still baby. After discussing all of our options (there weren't many) we decided that I would have a D&E (dilation and evacuation) since it looked like our little angel stopped growing at about 14 or 15 weeks. I was thankful for this option, even if it made me want to throw up, because it meant that I wouldn't have to labor overnight. I was admitted into the hospital around 3:30pm and they started the IVs and blood work. They put me under general anesthesia at 6:45, the procedure was done and I was wheeled back into recovery at 8:15. Phil and I where able to go home that night. We requested that our tiny angel baby be set apart from the medical waste (since that is typically what they do after a procedure like that) so that we could have it cremated. Phil and I will be picking our baby up from the funeral home on Monday morning. At this time two days ago my world crashed around me and since then God has been piecing it back together. I am thankful for the time that I got to carry our baby and I treasure the fact that I will hold him or her one day. My heart is broken and I spend a lot of time with tears in my eyes but God is good. He was good on Thursday, He is good today, and He will be good tomorrow. Thank you for taking the time to read our story. I know that I am not alone in this and that many of you reading this have suffered the loss of a child. I love each of you and I pray that your heart is filled with the Holy Spirit. Romans 8:18 says "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us" and all I can say is AMEN!

THIS SEASON {is sending me to my knees}

Scripture says "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under Heaven...a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;" (Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 5). I am waist deep in (what feels like) quick sand and the harder I try the deeper I sink. This post is about my season of mothering my three year old daughter. It is about trying so desperately to keep my body, my mind and ,most importantly my heart, calm so that I can attempt to change/mold the heart of my daughter. To embrace or not to embrace- this has been my question recently. You see, my Lilah has the vocabulary of 5-7 year old and the attitude of a preteen. She is witty and sarcastic. She is kind and thoughtful. She is up one second and (deep) down the next. I know that it is likely that every 3 year old (girl especially) has been the epitome of bipolar and that none of what I am saying comes as any surprise. But here is my dilemma- When do I snuggle her to calm her nervous breakdowns and when do I send her to her room to calm herself down? When do I pick her up (after "Mommy, pick me up. Put sister down" has been repeated 36 times in a row without a single breath) and when do I tell her to use the two good legs that God gave her? When do I play along with the dramatic falling on the ground and "hurting" herself and when do I tell her that I am sorry she fell and she needs to get up and shake it off? I don't believe there are answers to these questions, if I am being honest, because every day with her is different and every day she is pushing new boundaries. I have never spent more time in prayer (even when we were afraid we were going to lose our tiny Lilah early in my pregnancy) than I do these days. I am thankful that this season is sending me plummeting into scripture and prayer. I know that there is (going to be) a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I know all of these things because I have complete faith that God is going to pull us all through and that as long as I am sprinting towards Christ I will not ruin my child and send her into a life of despair and longing. {she might get some of her drama from her mama...} So, to you parents of toddlers and those that don't have children, pray with me that the Collins family can make it to Lilah's 4th birthday in some semblance of a whole. I love you all. Thank you for loving us through this season, it may be my only sanity on any given day.

363 Days Remain

We have already hopped into day two of 2014 and I can tell it is going to race by even more quickly than 2013. I don't have much that I wanted to share today, I simply wanted to write. So many people like to look back on their year and reminisce about the happenings, some joyful, some sad, some terrifying and others just "happened". I am no different :) In 2013 we welcomed our second daughter, Violet Joy, into the world. She is just plain fantastic! We also celebrated my Nana's 70th birthday and watched, waited and prayed as she battled through radiation treatment for cancer. I am so beyond thankful to start this new year with her by our side! Phil made some big strides in his career this past year and I am so proud of how hard he works, how seriously he takes his job and how much he enjoys it. Not many people find the kind of fulfillment in their job that he has found. I am grateful that the Lord has also blessed me with a job that I love. Teaching is not something I would have ever ventured after as a younger person but it is exactly where I am meant to be. I have enjoyed growing my vocal studio and watching my "kids" development into beautiful singers and people. Lilah Ann turned three this year and did some serious growing up in the last few months of 2013. It is amazing to watch her learn, grow (physically and emotionally) and contribute to our family dynamic. She is a firecracker and leaves me exhausted at the end of most days. She has such a pretty heart. She is learning to love our Savior, to make choices according to His teaching (through Phil and me), to love without conditions and to give/share (which can be super hard at 3 years old!). I am such a proud Mom, of both of my girls. We are looking very forward to 2014 and where God's path for us is going to lead. I admit that I am trying to prepare my mind for grief, for heartbreak, for awful things that may or may not happen (I often fall into this trap and let my mind get carried away with things that I cannot change) BUT I am making a conscious decision to let God prepare my HEART to override my foolish mind. Happy New Year, friends. We love you, thank you for loving us!

Slow down already!

First, a potty training update: Boom, Done! Lilah has been using the big girl potty for quite a while now and very rarely does she have an accident (like in the middle of the chick-fil-a play place *face palm*). Second, we are officially a family of 4 and I cannot believe how insanely blessed we are to have Violet Joy! It feels like she has always been here and yet time seems to have flown by. She is 2 and a half months old and is a sheer delight. Lilah is completely in love with her. It makes me tear up when I hear Lilah talking to her little sister with such sweet words and such genuine adoration. I know that they will bicker and fight one day but my mommy heart is full to bursting when I watch them together :) Violet is a great little eater and is pushing 12 pounds. She is super strong and we are constantly shaking our heads at how fast she is growing. When she smiles her entire face lights up and her eyes are something else! I LOVE her eyes. Phil is, rightfully so, smitten and enjoying his girls. Lilah adores her daddy and thinks that he hung the moon and stars :) I love sitting back and watching my family, so full of energy and love. I go to bed every night thanking the Lord for each of them and praying that He gives me one more day to love them. I can't fathom why He has given me such abundant grace but I will spend my days trying my best to show Him to my daughters. Well, that's all the update I have for now. All is good at the Collins' home!

Potty Training {so far}

Lilah Ann has understood the concept of using the "big girl potty" for a while now but I have been scared to take the plunge. I have NO IDEA what I am doing. I read a few articles, looked over some online tips, & stopped by half priced books in search of the perfect 'How-To' guide. I have since come to realize that I know my kid the best and we are just going to have to figure this thing out together! Our potty training journey actually began about 6 months ago when Lilah was 18 months old. I had a long weekend off of teaching and thought that we could just knock it out and get it over with. As a few of my Facebook status readers may recall it was a complete disaster. Lilah would joyfully sit on the potty and then get right up, take a few steps, and make a mess of my carpet... tile... nearby blankets... you get the point. We called it quits after two days. Lilah was frustrated and so was I, it just wasn't going to happen and there was no use trying to fight it. I realized at that point that she would be the one to decide when she was ready, not Mommy. So, this past Friday (the Friday after Christmas) I asked her if she wanted to use the big girl potty and she told me she did! I was terrified. We took the plunge together and it was a GREAT day! She loves her Dora panties and I was very cooperative when I asked her to take a break from playing to spend a couple of minutes on the potty. She only had one accident all day and lucky for me it was an easy clean up. *Side note- the best part of it for me was spending the entire day giving her my undivided attention and also, when she had her accident she let me know by saying "Ewwww! Gross Mommy, Gross!"* The most difficult part has been the inconsistency due to our foster children. Lilah does best when I let her run around with no bottoms on at all (just a long shirt or nightgown) and I am very uncomfortable doing that with a little boy in the house. Since "Doug" and "Kate" have been home a lot during the holidays we have had to take long breaks but she is still showing an interest and talks about it all the time. Any time she asks, we take a trip to the potty and whether she goes or not we let her know how proud we are that she used her words to tell us. I would love to have her exclusively using the potty by the time Violet Joy is born (due date March 18th) and I feel like that it totally doable if we continue on the path we are currently on. Any other mommas have a skiddish toddler when it came to going "poo-poo" in the potty?? It seems to terrify her so we aren't pushing it. I am so very proud of my big girl! She's just growing up too fast :)

Two months have passed...

Part of me can't believe that we have been raising three children for over two months and then the other part of me completely believes it and feels like it's been two years! "Kate" & "Doug" came to our home on October 14th, it was an early and adrenaline filled Sunday morning at the Collins home. We had no idea what was in store for us as parents... or as people. Both children, who are now 19 and 7 months old, have been a challenge at times but "Doug" wins by a landslide in the difficult child category. Phil and I spent a good majority of the first month tag teaming him because he would push one of us too far and the other would need to step in. After the first month Phil really took over with "Doug" and I became "Kate"'s primary caregiver. I had (and have had) a much easier time with "Kate". Both kids have some delays because of the atmosphere that they came to us from. "Doug" is right on track with his motor skills and plays like little boys do but is about a year behind in his cognitive development. "Kate" has made the biggest improvements since coming to us and is hardly behind at all anymore, both with her motor skills and her cognitive skills. Our hearts hurt for both children because we know that none of this is their fault. Phil and I have come to learn a lot more about ourselves, about our marriage, our relationships with the Lord (both as individuals and as a couple) since becoming foster parents to these two babies. We have been pushed to our limits, grown together into an unbreakable team, sought out the Lord and fallen on our faces before Him begging for mercy and grace, and our perspective on life has radically changed. I am so thankful that after days of questioning God and asking Him to reveal Himself to us through this journey, He has. His plan was perfect from the beginning. There are still plenty of tag team moments and night where we just look at each other with defeat in our eyes but the Lords grace is new EVERY morning and we are more aware of that now than we ever could have been before. I am so grateful for my own daughter and her sweet little sister on the way. I would not have been capable of this kind of gratefulness had we not been through this process. God is good all the time and all the time God is so good.

Answered Prayer!

To those who read this... thank you in advance for your willingness to open your hearts to what we are going through and thank you also for your understanding and shared joy! To begin, we found out that we were pregnant with our second little miracle in early July. At that time we were still in the stages of completing our foster parent training. We let Buckner know that we were pregnant during our home study interviews and that the baby was due to arrive around the beginning of March. They were very supportive just as they had been when we told them in our initial interviews that we planned on continuing to grow our family as well as foster. They assured us that we could say "no" at any time and that we could also give a 30 day notice (which is typical of 99% of foster care agencies) if the placement was needing a change. When Phil and I said "yes" to two foster babies, a month ago yesterday, we were under the impression that the same assurance we were given initially was going to hold strong and that we would have the freedom and understanding to take whatever steps necessary for our family in regards to the foster children. We had no preconceived ideas about how long we would have the kids and at the time we knew that there was a good chance that the kids would be reunited with their mother before our Violet was due. That does not look to be the case anymore and although they have family in the area that they are from, those family members are not fit to care for the children based on state standards. After a not so successful case study in our home this past Friday (thats a whole other story...) I was extremely disheartened to tell Phil that it was looking like we would not be able to enjoy being just a family of 4 for a while and that we were not going to be granted our request for displacement by late February (just before Violet is due to arrive). We spent a very long 5 days praying harder than we ever have, and asking our close friends and family to be praying with us, that these two babies be placed with a family (if not their own) that would love them and have the time to devote to them once our second little girl gets here. **The thought of having a 2 year old, a 22 month old, a 10 month old and a newborn is more than this momma can handle. I never pretended to be superwoman/supermom** ON WEDNESDAY WE GOT AN INCREDIBLE PHONE CALL from our Buckner case worker assuring us that the situation had been discussed and that the supervisor agreed that the children should be displaced before our daughter is born!!!! I was sitting in the middle of an Early Childhood Intervention assessment with "Doug & Kate" when I listened to the voicemail and I had no shame when I started to cry. Phil and I have gone through some severe guilt in deciding that this is what is best for our family but at the end of the day it truly IS what is best for our family. We want to enjoy our sweet second baby and we want Lilah to enjoy her new baby sister. Violet will only be tiny for such a very short time, as we well know, and we don't feel that "Doug & Kate" would benefit from being a part of our family during that time. Our attention is going to be focused on our girls, as it should be. We are so thankful for Gods perfect plan and we are also thankful to see a light at the end of the tunnel. This has been the most difficult thing that we have ever done in our lives and we are grateful for all we have learned. Again, thank you for your open heart when you read this and thank you for supporting our family :)

Two Weeks Later

Well, it has been nearly two weeks since we received our first foster care placement. These have been the most difficult, joyful, painful, surprising weeks of our lives as parents. Both "Doug" and "Kate" are adjusting to our lifestyle but there is still a long way to go and we don't know when our time with them will come to an end. Kate has been the easiest. At 5 months old she is a happy little girl that loves to smile and eat. We are still working on getting her to eat solid, baby food but she eats a bottle like a champ. We had one successful night where she slept until 5:30am but that hasn't happened a second time. Doug has been quite a testament to the level of our patience. He is a very emotional little boy and cries at the drop of a hat. Phil and I are not used to this kind of temperament as Lilah will whine but she has been telling us what is wrong since she was a year old. Doug did not speak any 'real words' when he was placed with us two weeks ago. Since then he has learned "cracker" & "DaDa" which he calls Phil :) He has made a lot of progress the last two weeks and is able to mimic a lot of what Lilah does. If I am going to be completely honest though, there have been multiple times that I have wanted to throw up my hands and quit. The constant refereeing between Doug and Lilah is tiring, the amount of energy used to keep Doug from melting down is astronomical, and my limit of patience is reached by about 6pm everyday. I thought, as we were going through all of our training, that if a child was placed with us that loving them was going to be the easy part. How could I not love and embrace a child that was depending on me to stand in as their mom? How could anyone be angry or short tempered with a little child coming from such terrible circumstances?? Certainly not ME?! Wrong. So wrong. I wake up every morning praying for God to give me compassion and to pour into me the right kind of love to pour out on these children. I say the same prayer about 50 times a day. I have lost my temper more times that I care to count and I have to walk away for a few minutes. I was not prepared for the emotional struggle that I would face. They prepare you for so many aspects of becoming a foster parent but they neglected to mention how hard it may be to love them without condition. I am willing to be completely honest with anyone that asks "how is it going?" and I have gotten a few shocked faces when I admit that it is difficult and that I am struggling to like one of my foster babies. I see no need to lie and pretend like this path that the Lord has put us on is blissful and rewarding in the moment. We are doing the very best we can as God's children to plant seeds in these tiny kiddos. We are loving them the best we know how and we learn something new about them and ourselves every single day... every single hour. We do NOT regret becoming foster parents. Not for a single second have we questioned that Gods plan is perfect for us. Have we questioned our own abilities?? Only about a million times, but Gods grace is sufficient for us and we are His hands and feet. Thank you so much for your prayers, please don't stop praying for us. We love you all.

Foster Placement #1

It's funny how smart God is. Phil and I sat back for a very brief moment last night and considered all that had taken place in the last 48 hours and we saw God's hand in every single second of it. To start, we took a short trip to Waco as a family for the TCU v. Baylor game (GO FROGS!) which isn't a typical Saturday for us. We got to spend some sweet time with family and we got to enjoy uninterrupted time with our daughter. We weren't sure if we would spend the night in Waco or make the trip home late that night but decided to go ahead with the latter. After falling into bed about midnight we slept hard until my phone started ringing about 4am. I didn't recognize the number so I clicked it off and laid back down only to have Phil's phone start ringing with the same number a few seconds later. I had to wake Phil up, of course, because that boy can sleep through just about anything. He answered and I knew immediately we were going to be asked about a placement. The first two placement calls we had received had left me feeling jumpy and nervous, a little sick to my stomach, but I felt pretty calm sitting there in bed trying to hear everything our social worker was telling Phil and I started praying. He hung up and relayed everything he could remember (he was still half asleep) to me and we considered our options. TWO babies?! But this is our first placement, why do they keep asking us to take TWO?! Both children were under the age of two and being pulled out of their home for drug use, it was going to be an immediate placement and that's all they could tell us. It took us about 5 minutes of debate to come to the conclusion that God wouldn't put us in a situation that we couldn't handle and deciding to have faith in His plan we called back to tell them that yes, we were open for the placement. During the time we were waiting for the kids to arrive we assembled a crib upstairs, dug out all of Lilah's bottles, toys, and what clothes we could find that would fit a 5 month old. The kids arrived at about 7:15 Sunday morning. The 5 month old girl, we are going to call her Kate since real names cannot be used, and 17 month old boy, we will call him Doug, were a stab to our hearts. Doug attached himself to Phil and wouldn't let go and Kate sat grinning in her carseat while we went through all the paperwork, what little background information the CPS worker had, and a walk through of the house. Our sweet Lilah woke up just after they arrived and was completely smitten with Kate from first glance, she didn't leave her side until Daddy offered breakfast :) We spent Sunday morning changing diapers, bathing kids, doing load after load of laundry to remove the foul stench that came with the babies, and praying. I did a lot of crying. I wouldn't even notice I was crying until I couldn't see through the tears. It has been the most emotional experience of either of our lives. Lilah has done AMAZINGLY well! I am so incredibly proud of our angel girl and her ability to love these kids, to accept them into her house and into our family. I can see Christ in my little girl and I cannot tell you how that fills my heart to overflowing. Our first night as a family of 5 went better than we had anticipated. Kate only woke up twice, ate well and went back to sleep. Doug only fought bedtime for a short while and slept for 10 hours. Lilah crawled in bed, read her bible, and said her "I love you's" just like she always does and slept for 10 hours as well. Day two was tougher than day one but I had some wonderful help from my Mom and my Nana :) They have been so compassionate and encouraging, helpful and selfless! I am so blessed to have the support of people that love my family and respect the calling that the Lord has put on our hearts. Day three is just beginning as I hear my girl stirring from her bed, duty calls! Thank you for your prayers and Phil and I ask that you please continue to pray for us, all 5 of us. It is likely that we will have Kate and Doug for a while and we want to pour into them throughout this time we have together. All our love, the Collins'

Teenage Dreams

Ok, random, I was driving home from school today and that Katy Perry song was on the radio (the one about living a teenage dream...) and it made me think about how much time I spent dreaming about & begging God for my "boyfriend/future husband". I mean, seriously, I constantly had daydreams about what it would be like to have a guy brush the hair out of my face or reach over and hold my hand while he was driving or .... a million other super romantic things :) I'm blessed to be older, a bit wiser, and to have all of those wonderful daydream fantasies be my reality. I am grateful that Phil and I both had the wisdom and patience to wait for each other. That is all! I told you it was random. *Side note: I do not encourage or make a habit of listening to most of todays pop music.* haha.

Officially Official

Phil and I became official foster parents on Friday, September 14th! I missed the phone call from our social worker and received the news over a voicemail but Phil had a chance to speak with her. We were both so excited, relieved, and in need of some deep breaths. We didn't hear anything over the weekend or for the next week. They told us previously that we could probably expect a placement within a month or so. I never leave my phone where I cannot hear it ring or vibrate just in case we get a call from Buckner. On Monday afternoon around 3:15 Lilah and I were playing in the living room when my phone started buzzing, it was Buckner calling to ask if we were open for the placement of a one year old from Fort Worth. I was breathless and thrilled and of course my answer was "Yes!". I called Phil and he jumped into action :) We didn't have a crib for a one year old (Lilah's crib was converted into the big girl bed she uses now) so Phil stopped and bought an inexpensive, but very sturdy, crib along with a new mattress, sheets, and a mattress pad on his way home. We waited, I had trouble being patient, for a call from Buckner. Finally, my phone rang just after 5:30 and I was told that unfortunately CPS had chosen another agency and that the child had already been placed elsewhere. I cried. Then I prayed for that child and knew that God had put him or her right where they needed to be... I had just hoped that place was in our home. So, we go back to waiting and praying :) Our hearts are light and we are thankful for the kickstart that first call gave us! Now it is real!

"I'm ready Mommy!"

My precious Lilah started Mothers Day Out today, which we call school, at Murphy Road Baptist Church. I have been pretty wrapped up in getting everything prepared for her to start, so much so that I hadn't really thought about what it was going to be like for her to actually GO. This morning I asked her if she was ready to go to school, she looked me in the eye with a smile and said, "I'm ready Mommy!" and that was when it hit me. My baby is leaving me today. Where has time gone and where did my teeny little baby go? I have cried off and on since I walked away from her playing and making new friends this morning but I can honestly say that it isn't so much because I am sad, which I am, but more because I am truly overwhelmed by God's sweet grace and His love for me, my daughter, and my husband. I am so unworthy of the unconditional love of my daughter, so hopelessly sinful and imperfect... but look what He has given me!! I'll say it again, I am overwhelmed! Here are some pictures from my big girls first day of school!! Since she was up & ready to play at 5am she decided to take a little cat nap on the way.

She wanted to carry her "sleepbag" into school by herself :)

She really wanted to take her name sticker off of her sleeping bag...

I love this, telling Daddy she is ready to play!

Such a big girl.

"I play?!" Sweet love, she was super excited and Mommy was choking back tears.

First day of school picture with Daddy!

So many things kept catching her attention, the classroom is perfect for a big imagination!

First day of school picture with Mommy!

She went right over and sat down to play with the toys. She kept looking at another little girl that was crying with a curious look on her face. It didn't phase her that we were leaving :)

She is going to have such a good time with all her new friends!! I'm so happy for her :)

A Tidbit or Two

Here is what has been going on with the Collins clan... 1) Baby number TWO is right on schedule and has a wonderfully strong little heartbeat. Blessed :) 2) School has started back and I have taken on two new schools this year. I will now be teaching 4 days a week at Arbor Creek Middle School (Lewisville ISD), McMillen High School (Plano ISD), Schrade Middle School (Garland ISD), and Rowlett High School (Garland ISD). I am really excited to continue working with some sweet friends as colleagues and begin new working relationships as well. I am also looking forward to what God will use me for (and teach me) with my kiddos this year both musically and spiritually. 3) Phil, Lilah, and I all had to get tested for TB (tuberculosis) as part of our preparation to be a foster family and the results were just as we expected with Phil and Lilah, no TB. I was not so lucky and had a positive skin test. The next step is typically a chest xray but since I am pregnant that was not an option. I had blood work done instead and the good news is that it is not at a contagious stage. There is a chance that I have "latent tuberculosis" which has no symptoms but still needs to be treated with 9 months of medication. ***SO I want to make it clear that I am not contagious, there is no reason to be weary of being around me or my family and I am not suffering from any symptoms ;)*** 4) We have completed our home study and all but one of our inspections which means, as long as nothing crazy happens, we should be certified foster parents VERY soon! I have been thinking that I really need to get connected with a group of moms that are going through the same stage of life as me (toddler, pregnant, working, fostering...) because it is very difficult to connect with friends who can't share in the emotions, both good and bad. 5) My angel girl starts Parents Day Out (which I will forever call Mothers Day Out because I don't mind being politically incorrect) next week and we have meet the teacher tomorrow night! What in the world... how is my teeny 5lb 12oz baby girl starting "school"?! It is utterly impossible to explain how I feel but in a nutshell it would be terrified, thrilled, sad, joyful, & bittersweet :) I pretty much think that she is the smartest, most beautiful child that there ever was! Which brings me to my final topic... 6) I know I will understand when this new baby 'Dot' is born but how can I possibly have any more room in my heart to love another child??? I look forward to looking back at this post with a smile and writing one up about how amazing it is that my heart can be so full of love for both of our children. Love to you all, thanks for reading!!

Potty Training

Well, we tried for the first time today. Lilah has been introduced to the 'big girl potty' for a while now. She accompanies me to the bathroom every time I go. I thought "Well, she is 19 months old now, she is probably ready!" Nope. Here's the thing... and this is likely going to make me sound like the worst mom on the planet BUT I blog to be vulnerable... my daughter has been ahead of the curve on just about everything. She was born premature, she never went to the NICU, her pediatrician assures me each visit that she is well beyond her age as far as height, activity, and speech go so I assumed that she was ready for the big time at almost exactly 19 months old... no more diapers. I have read (yes, I realize that each child is different and no one child will potty train the same way or at the same age) so many articles about how "I potty trained my 18 month old in 3 days!" articles that I was certain that my girl would take to it like a champ. I cry as I write this because I never want to be the mother that forces her children to do things that they aren't ready for or that they don't want to do. I want to support and love my children as individuals, let them be who they are. I think the trap that I have fallen into is that 'when it's right for me, it's right for them', well it's not. A lot of people like to tell you what you should be doing or they like to tell you when it's right, whether during pregnancy, birth, or the raising of your children. Well let me tell you something and make it very clear; THEY AREN'T YOU, AND THEY DON'T KNOW. I can see my desire for Lilah to excel in everything she does seeping through today and God has taught me a very valuable lesson. I need to be praying for her, loving her, and supporting her. I do NOT need to be pushing her, now or ever, to be who I or anyone else thinks she should be. It may sound silly to some of you that I had a legitimate life lesson taught to me today through day one of an unsuccessful potty training but it's true. God teaches us everyday whether we take notice of it or not. Well, I hear Him loud and clear and it is breaking my heart. I want to love all of my children (foster kids and my own) like Christ loves me. That is my goal. I feel like a bit of a failure today BUT I know that God, my daughter, and my husband forgive me and love me. I did get frustrated with Lilah today. She is my first baby and let's face it, I don't know what the heck I am doing. I can't make the right decisions all the time and I am NOT PERFECT. I try. But I think what I need to be striving for, as much as the human part of me hates it, is to be a Godly example and a Godly example only. This blog post is intended to teach me a lesson in patience and love. If you have read this and feel sorry for me, that was not my intent. I am constantly reminding myself that life is full of up's and down's, I cannot control any of it, and that my sweet Savior is more than capable to handle my day to day. My battles may seem big to me but God is so much BIGGER! Lilah will learn to use the potty when she is ready. I will learn to be 'Mom' through years of practice... and I will NEVER get it just right. I find comfort in that.

Two cups of coffee? That's unheard of!

I had the immense pleasure of enjoying TWO hot cups of coffee this morning in silence because my daughter loves me and decided to sleep in! Hallelujah! It's truly the little things once you become a momma :) On another note, we had our second round of home study interviews yesterday and Phil and I were both under the impression that it would be our final round. Wrong. They are coming back next week for more questions and paperwork. I will tell you, becoming foster parents is not for the lazy or weak of heart. It has been quite a bit of hard work and the paperwork seems to be never ending. One of the questions yesterday had to do with accepting a child of a different race, cultural background, and religion and how we would respect the child's individual beliefs. We answered the question with honesty and sincere hearts... the truth is that we will love each of our foster babies unconditionally and show them Christ's love and grace to the best of our ability. We will respect their families and their values but we will not compromise our faith and belief that God will give us children that need to see who Christ is and come to understand that He loves them no matter their background. Please be praying for Phil, Lilah, and I as we answer the tough questions honestly and pray that He gives us the strength to stand on His strong foundation throughout this process. 7 months have gone by since we started our foster care path and we are anxious to love on the babies that will come to our home and become part of our family. Thanks for the support!! It means everything to us :)

Junk in the Trunk

Insecurity reared its ugly head recently. I have been having a difficult time looking in the mirror and realizing that I will never look 18 again. With that said I have decided to dedicate this post to reminding myself that I am beautiful in the eyes of God, my husband, and my daughter. My self image takes a beating about once every couple of months and I struggle with feeling positive about the body that I have now. It makes me feel quite vulnerable to admit it but I am certain I am not alone in this, right ladies? I fall into the world's unachievable idea of what a woman should look like and I get caught up in my "flaws". In 1 Samuel scripture says, "Do not look at his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart." and in Proverbs 31:30 it says "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." I am praying hard against Satans lies to me. I am beautifully & wonderfully made by my God. I have a husband who tells me everyday that I am beautiful and desired. My precious daughter loves me without condition, the size of my jeans means nothing to her! I want to be beautiful on the inside and have God's light shine through me, I want to be able to take joy in the woman that I have become and tell the world to take a hike because I AM BEAUTIFUL! I love my life and I love myself because God is with me, in me, & forever adores me as His child. Insecurity is a jerk. :)

Get Over Yourself

I find it difficult to put into words how blessed I feel. When I take a minute to really reflect on my life these past couple of years I am overwhelmed with emotion. A sweet friend of mine, Rachel Halpin, said something to me the other day that has really stuck with me, "What if God is rewarding your obedience." Those simple words from someone I truly admire and respect resonate with me because I don't think I have ever considered that as truth. But it is... truth. This may sound strange but I feel guilty. Guilty because I do not feel obedient and because I know I don't deserve the insurmountable grace that my savior bestows on me daily. What did I do to deserve the loving, Godly husband I have? What did I do to deserve Lilah, the most amazing gift I have ever been given? How am I worthy of this new house that we get to make into a home together? How do I deserve the opportunity to foster someone else's child? The answer: I did nothing. I am not deserving. I am not worthy. BUT because my God sent his only son to be crucified and suffer an agonizing death... I am. So to put it bluntly, I decided to get over myself. I am going to praise God, thank God for his blessings and continue to do exactly what I have been doing... strive to be a good wife, a good mother, and an obedient child to my Father. I think that I feel guilt because I am just doing what I know I need to do and I don't feel like I should be rewarded for living my life the way I do. But I have come to realize that God is opening doors for me and my family so that we can serve Him better, more fully, and use the resources that he gives us to grow His kingdom. Getting over myself, getting over the guilt, getting on with glorifying my God.

Fostering, Moving, & a Toddler

To begin I would like to thank my sweet friend Erica Halpin for encouraging me to blog :) It is long overdue.

Fostering
Phil and I are halfway through the process of becoming foster parents. We have completed our PRIDE training through Buckner and have a few more certifications as well as a home study before we are certified to foster. How did this come about? Well, Phil and I were having a discussion one night about 6 months ago where I casually asked him if he would ever consider adoption. He said "Yeah, I think that would be cool. What about fostering? I have done some research on it." My reply was silence. Shocked, mostly, by his admission. I had been thinking the exact same thing. I never really considered fostering as a legitimate undertaking, however, and so I told him that I would think about it. Well, of course, being the person I am I began my own research the very next morning. I spent countless hours looking into CPS, foster homes, foster programs and parent blogs and about a week later I presented Phil with my findings. Buckner looked to be the best option for us as we both wanted to be involved in a christian foster organization. I made a couple of phone calls and sent a few emails. We heard back and were asked to come in for an interview. Oh the anxiety! We were not prepared to be split up for the interview and had not discussed all the questions that they were likely to ask. God took the reigns and needless to say we were accepted and began our training in January. It has been quite a ride already and we are thrilled about where God has led us as a family. There have been legitimate concerns about fostering since we have a toddler and family was understandably concerned. We have a great support team in our families, our friends, and our church. The fact that we could possibly have a foster child in our home by this coming September led us to our next endeavor...

Moving
We knew that we would have to turn our music studio/office into a bedroom and would be needing to make a lot of changes in our home to accommodate another child and abide by the guidelines (rules) given to us by Buckner and CPS. Phil really likes looking at homes online, just to "see what is out there". He contacted our realtor (a precious woman who helped us get our first home) and we were out looking at houses in a week. I didn't take it too seriously because I didn't want to get my hopes up (do we need to put our house on the market? Will it sell? Is this part of the path God is leading us down?). We found it. The perfect house for our growing family. We both fell in love (and Lilah really loves the stairs!). We made an offer, the contractor countered, we accepted. Now it was time to put our home on the market. It didn't hit me until I saw the sign in our front yard, "We are moving... forward" and a lump settled in my throat. This home, our first house, was where we learned how to be husband and wife, it was were we got pregnant, it was where we brought our baby after we left the hospital. So much of our sweat and tears have been poured into this sweet little house and we made it our haven. The thought of leaving these precious memories behind is nearly too much for this girl to bear. But God is opening doors and beckoning us to follow after Him, and we go willingly.
After being on the market for less than a week we had two offers. I swear that trying to sell your home is a part time job in itself. You have to be ready to drop everything at a moments notice, interrupt your routine and "HURRY, WIPE DOWN EVERYTHING! PICK UP LILAH'S TOYS! DOES IT SMELL LIKE BUTT IN HERE?!" :) We countered the first offer and they walked. I had been praying fiercely that God would bring a couple or a family to our home that would cherish it, make their memories in it, and bring joy to others through it and I guarantee the first couple was not going to do that or it would have worked out. We countered the second offer and they accepted. Whew! I though the hard part was over... wrong.
A few less than awesome things have been brought to our attention and we are asking God to lead us to the best solution. We have a contingency period on the home we want to move into and if all goes well we will be closing by May 15th.

Onto the most wonderful part of the whole story: my beautiful daughter.
Lilah is 16 months old now and I don't remember life before her. She is why I was made. She is my purpose. I pray that the Lord sees fit to bless us with more children of our own in the future but if not, Lilah Ann is blessing enough. God shows me who I truly am as a person when I look into her eyes. Can she be a handful, of course! Do I just need a break from the tantrums and some privacy every once in a while? You better believe it! I wouldn't change a single thing about the last 16 months or about this life I have the honor of living each day.

My little family is amazing. I love us and I am proud of the lives that we live as a unit, bound together in Christ.

Bring it on, world. We are ready.


All My Love,
Courtney

It just keeps getting better!

Our sweet Lilah turned 3 weeks old just yesterday! She is the most incredible little miracle, a true gift from our gracious Savior.
I can say without hesitation that the first two weeks were very difficult for me. After being in the hospital for two weeks, having to have an unplanned c-section, recovering from the surgery, & coming home with a new baby completely wore me out. Sleep deprivation combined with off the wall hormones snuck up on me and before I realized it I was letting myself give in to a bit of depression.
I did a lot of praying... And then some more... Then more still and after what felt like an eternity (probably two days) I began to feel a little bit more like myself, the pieces started to come together. Sleep is such wonderful medicine for a new mom! If ever you hear that bringing home baby is wonderful & full of smiles, self assurance, and complete bliss please call me and give me the name and number of the woman spreading such lies, I will need to speak with her!
Don't get me wrong, Lilah is the most incredible little blessing and this third week has been truly wonderful. She is sleeping for 3-4 hours at a time between feedings and doesn't fuss unless she is hungry or needs a new diaper (yes we recognize how lucky we are to have such a wonderful baby).
All of this to say that I have a new respect for mothers and you truly cannot understand until it is your turn :) it just keeps getting better, she changes a little every single day and the thought that she will be a month old in less than a week is a little mind blowing. It is going to go by too fast for this momma.
The fact that the Lord has blessed me with this incredible job is the most flattering feeling I have ever felt. I am a mommy... The only thing I have ever truly longed to be :-) Increadible.

May I Pull the Pregnancy Card?

I heard that you were supposed to get all of your energy back in your second trimester... what a crock!

I kid, I kid! I have had more energy than at the beginning of our pregnancy but I wouldn't say by much. Especially since I have started back at the schools (Rowlett HS, Schrade MS, and Coyle MS) I can feel myself going to that sleepy place about half way through my day. By the time I have gotten home the last few days I have been ready to crawl in bed and hibernate! My body is super sore and achy and I have a pretty constant headache (thank goodness I can at least take Tylenol!).

I also am missing my husband terribly this week. He will wind up working a 70+ hour week & with a two hour commute both ways that equals a very lonely wife and pups at home. I am so thankful for the job that he has and he is SO GOOD at it! I am exceptionally proud to be his wife and am so thankful that he works so hard and diligently. He is remarkable especially with some of the things that he has to deal with on a daily basis.

I just miss him.

God has blessed us so much. Perhaps I can pull the pregnancy card (which I try never to do) & say that it's the hormones that are making me so needy and pathetic?!

Anywho, the pups and I are waiting for Project Runway to come on so that we can be distracted and not weep about the absence of our sweet, hard worker.